SteelerDirtFreak :: 21st Century Missional Redneck Geek

Posted By Paul on November 27, 2004

This just in….

Business Leaders Give Thanks for Suckers

[quote]NEW YORK — Number crunching and money-grubbing self pursuits came to a lull for 10 minutes Monday as business leaders throughout the world reminisced momentarily in a pre-Thanksgiving spirit and gave thanks for the millions of suckers and inept consumers in the nation whom they profited off of by more than $200 billion in the past year.

Business leaders give thanks for suckers.“Bob down in marketing said, ‘I think we ought to take a moment of silence’,” said William Spear, CEO of a fortune-500 company. “So the boys and I bowed our heads and considered the caviar and chardonnay we would’ve had to do without if so many people didn’t buy as much crap as they did.”[/quote]

[quote]He said: “It’s touching, really, to think that the products we make — or, that women and children make in Indonesia — wouldn’t be sold if there weren’t so many suckers who are easily branded and guided by our marketing. It almost brings tears to my eyes.”

About five minutes into the reflection period, Joseph Brandson, a senior executive, shielded his eyes from his co-workers, hoping to hide the welling tears.

“I’m wearing this tie,” he said, lifting it from his shirt, “because John Smith in Mobile, Alabama buys goods from this company. And he thinks he does it on his own free will, which hits me right in the heart.”

Still a few days before the actual Thanksgiving holiday, members of the business elite considered giving back to the throngs of people who made their wealth possible.

“Maybe we could bump the guerrilla-marketing down a notch or two?” CFO Samantha Reed said. “You know, ease up the pressure to purchase just a little bit so these people have the chance to buy what they want for a few days.”

A tinge of whole-hearted sincerity touched many members of the clique with Reed’s suggestion. But just the thought of a good deed was satisfying enough and prompted the leaders to return to pillaging and ransacking the common-day man with barbarian business tactics.

“That was a meaningful moment,” Spear said before returning back to work. “Now let’s get on with sapping the suckers of all their worth.”[/quote]

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